Today I trekked up the mountain with Phil, a guy who I would call my friend, see once a few weeks, a person I've known for five years but only hung out after we graduated. Maybe that's why it was so special. I spontaneously decided to call him...all the "usual" people I hang out with are busy/gone. We finally saw some stars in the sky..which is always so hard in a city full of lights, 24/7. He suggested it, we did it, and I only regretted it when walked up the steepest part of the rocky trail. It was so peaceful...it was perfect getaway from my confused life. We decided to name a star Jude...after the Beatles song. It was the brightest star. We played it, and just stared in the direction of Jude and all the other stars, away from the city lights and the strip. Sometimes random thoughts would pop in my head, other times I would just blink and think about nothing. It was one of the most peaceful moments I had. Those few moments with the song playing, I thought about nothing stressful or unhappy, I felt no pain or stress. Next to a person I was brought together with fate. That's what I believe.
Lately I found myself to stop caring about my relationship so much. It was a choice I made, and lately, I really think it's the right choice. I've already experienced heartbreak, and I don't need to again. It's not like I stopped loving him, because it's so far from it. But I don't want to look around me and only feel sorrow, experience wonderful things and not be able to appreciate it. Especially given the amount of time I have here. One and a half months...less than that. Unbelievable. I wanted, my whole life, to leave. And finally I get what I want, except at the expense of all the people I leave and all the memories I have made. I want this time, at least, to be a good experience. Not caring sucks, because I'm not that kind of girl. But I feel like I really need to be, to heal from hurt. Besides, it wouldn't, and doesn't seem to be affecting him much.
Lately I found myself to stop caring about my relationship so much. It was a choice I made, and lately, I really think it's the right choice. I've already experienced heartbreak, and I don't need to again. It's not like I stopped loving him, because it's so far from it. But I don't want to look around me and only feel sorrow, experience wonderful things and not be able to appreciate it. Especially given the amount of time I have here. One and a half months...less than that. Unbelievable. I wanted, my whole life, to leave. And finally I get what I want, except at the expense of all the people I leave and all the memories I have made. I want this time, at least, to be a good experience. Not caring sucks, because I'm not that kind of girl. But I feel like I really need to be, to heal from hurt. Besides, it wouldn't, and doesn't seem to be affecting him much.